你还记得几个？

人生中有无数个第一次。从婴孩时期到现在。爬、走、跑、跳、写字、念书、交朋友、考试、恋爱、学习新爱好、失恋、工作、挫折…… 你还记得那第一次的滋味吗？还记得当时的感受吗？还是随着时间的流逝，你逐渐忘了，那些感觉也变质了？可能变得理所当然、可能变得索然无味、也可能从当初的喜欢变成如今的厌恶。

在微信看到了这篇：

[悦音] 路上音乐

2015-01-21 写意大美

其实，路上的意义不只是面对巴戒庙

微笑的佛龛（kan1)和金阁寺脚下池塘的倒映

或者倾听亚得里亚海的涛声

从路的一头到另一头

颠沛的旅程对我来说并不是无意义的

留白

机舱里昏黄的射灯下

或者渡船上狭小的甲板舱

更能帮我找到通往内心深处的门径

与另一个自己不期而遇

看清自己心灵深处的挣扎与跋涉

这样的瞬间与场所怎可没有音乐响起

结果和目标是以一定要达到、要实现的

但是对于一个孩子来说

又有什么是比享受过程更难的教诲？

路上的音乐应该是这样的音乐

它能混合着节奏轻柔的“旅途感”，牵

扯着深深的“异域感”

它淡定得只剩下令人难忘的“朴素
感”，充盈着“画面感”

它用“谦卑感”唤起旅人内心的灵感

它让你可以伴着它随风飘向远方

从容地写下内心片刻即逝的念头

若干年后，当你再听到这熟悉的旋律

时，灵魂便会再一次即刻出发

路上的时光

是一张可以选择拍摄角度的照片

路上的时光

是一段你可以更改情节的剧本

路上的时光

是一座你可以添砖加瓦的庭院

是你最后可以稍作隐遁的“片刻桃源”

你的第一笔

往往是从耳边那段你最爱的旋律开始

我学习音乐的路途上出了些问题。当初的热忱已不复再。但我仍然、偶尔还会感受到我学音乐的第一次。把音乐盒打开、准备的那一瞬间，那感觉我此生忘不了。感恩我被给予了机会学习与尝试。

人生中有无数个第一次，虽然我记不起全部，但某些画面仍然被储存在脑海中的某个匣子内，安静地沉睡着。

Graduated world

What's your future career path? Where do you see yourself in 3 or 5 years time? What's your career goal? What's your strength? What co-curricular activities did you join? Did you hold any post? And the endless list goes on.

What's my future career path?
My current thought of my future career will be working in the corporate world for a period of time, say like 3-5 years, may be 10. Then back to tuition, where I'd found peace.

Where do I see myself in 3 or 5 years time?
In 3 to 5 years time, I see myself having sufficient number in my bank account which can support me travelling around. More specifically, in 5 years time, I see myself revisiting London and France again, speaking sufficient French and bringing a DSLR.

What's my career goal?
No goal at the moment. I don't intend to climb the corporate ladder. Go ahead and climb all the way you want but please don't ever talk me into following your footsteps. I'll do whatever that comes to me with the best I can. I believe hard work will pay off. Some said, some luck is needed. Well, let's not think that far.

What's my strength?
I hate this question. I would say organizing. But my wardrobe is a mess. Oh well, that's another story.

Why must I joined co-curricular activities to make my CV looks better?
Being realistic, having nothing on co-curricular activities can't help to secure a place during CV screening process. I have been debating with my inner-self for days on this topic, simply to talk myself into joining co-curricular activities in uni. Yes, for the past 3 semesters in uni, I joined NOTHING. I did signed up a few but attend NONE. May be it's the introvert me causing me not to attend any. I just feel tired after a day of classes. I just wanted to go home and cocooned myself in my own world. May be it's the late meet up time. Meet up time it's either in the late evening, say like from 6pm-9pm or on weekends, my PRECIOUS DAYS in a week. So, back to square one. I feel tired. My energy level is lower than normal people. I get drained out easily.
I was thinking that how does a post in a club can really signifies that that person really has the ability and characteristics of that particular post? He or she could have gotten that post because no one volunteered. He or she could have gotten that post and have some glory records but it's actually the team mates hard work and no contribution from him or her at all. All these why-s and inner debate bring me to exploring books on philosophy. Lol.
So, after all the lengthy crap, what's my conclusion on the issue? I found my answer from Timothy Tiah's blog.

Side track a little, after reading his blog, I am again fascinated by what reading could offer.
Side track a little more. You are so sure that I'm the one for you. But you're not to me. First of many, reading is not your thing. In this case, I'm sure that I've read more than you. I'm not saying how noble or knowledgeable am I for reading more than you. If you don't read as much as me or more than me, how could we share and discuss and give each other more insights and views and thoughts? That's what I'm looking for in a relationship. This hurts I know. My apologies. Just so you know, that's my thought and reason.

Back to track. Back to the root of having a job. Earn a living is the main purpose. If we were to work out from there, climbing corporate ladder means earning more. Some said it's for personal growth. My ideal personal growth is not through that way. I fancy something more spiritual. I don't want that much of money. It's pointless to me to earn that much and has got no time to spend and my health is traded.

Well, that's my thought. I have no idea whether things will go according to my rough plan. I've been thinking so much lately and bombarded my wise lady with lots of question. May be she's too annoyed by me, she said this to shut me off: Don't think too much, things have been planned for you.

我要的、不要的

相隔了大约四个月，再次相见，怎么我感觉有那么一瞬间的尴尬？

听她滔滔不绝地在诉说即将到来的职场生活。应征了Big 4 Firm, 得到了。她，蛮期待的。有那么一瞬间觉得她说话的语气有着我从没发现的强势。她，自信、能力强。身为她的朋友，我为她感到骄傲。

这次都是她在说话，我在听。脑袋里的很多想法在上午已被疏通了，话也说了很多很多，接下来人就变得懒懒的，没特别想说话了。

她即将迈入的生活模式将不会是我所想要的。超时工作、晋升、能力变得更强大不是我要的生活。她会越来越好、越来越强。而我在这样的环境应该会凋零。我不想要和别人一起挤破头，挤进跨国企业。

金钱，够用就好。在工作方面变得更强大不是我的目标。我想要修、想要变得更强大的是思想、心灵方面的。心灵上的满足远比物质上的满足来得更好。

看到身边的朋友都蛮强的，有点压力、自卑。但是要我去走他们走过的路，我又不太愿意。若我肯去做，我行的。就是我不太想要。

一趟的英国、法国之旅让我想去学法语、想去了解该国历史。这期间和两个不同的人聊天让我看到那两人之间的差距。跟他聊天总是那么舒服、开心。聊聊我们对某些书的看法、偶尔我会丢一些问题给他，他会给我他的看法。我们可以聊天打屁、也可以探讨一些比较深入的话题。有个蓝颜知己，还不错。跟他呢，两个不同世界的人。我的世界，他在边疆徘徊、进不了。

和她聊天，谈到一个人，可以喜欢一个人几年之久，是一件很不可思议的事情。她说，如果得到了，那感觉会不会淡了？我说，得不到的葡萄比较甜。得到了，然后发现其实很平凡。

关于爱情这事

身旁很多朋友都有伴了。可还没甜蜜到让我想要有个伴。直到我看了《我可能不会爱你》。我在等。等一个像李大仁那样了解程又青的人。


记得十七岁时，我说我要轰轰烈烈的爱情。现在想想，我的性格不适合那样的爱情。

曾记得有人问过我，我要怎样的爱情？那时我在想，我要的，你或许给不了。


那天和朋友聊天，我们要的爱情都一样。

我们要一个可以聆听我们所有想法、一个可以分享我们所有感受的人。


我要一个可以给我不同想法的人。一个愿意回答我所有假设性的问题。一个愿意和我分享他对某件事的感受与看法的人。一个可以适时推我一把的人。一个时时刻刻会支持我的人。


我们也达成一个共识：不要另一半为我们提包。没必要。


我不要名牌包、不要熊娃娃。一本好书的读后感、一起旅游后分享感受才是我要的。我要的是精神、心灵方面上的交流。比起物质上的东西，我觉得要满足精神与心灵上的交流并不容易。

我也希望另一半精神方面比我强大。我希望遇到危机的时候我们可以携手面对，而不是你躲到我背后要求保护。


我要的基本上就是这些。

回顾一月

新年，没啥感觉。就跟普通的一天那样，没特别兴奋。可能是刚从外坡回家的关系。更大的可能是累了。大约两个礼拜的时间，都有一大堆人和我住在同个屋檐下。每天见到的人很多，少了独处时间。把我的精力都快榨干了。蛮意外他会祝福我新年快乐。真的，很意外。

休息不到多久，就被赶鸭子上架教补习了。工作日，照三餐地教补习。独处时间大大减少了。周末变得格外珍贵。从没发现周末是那么那么的可爱。过了一个礼拜，真的很吃不消。但我爱上了这样的生活。早上醒来，载妹上学，上菜市，回来教补习，等吃饭，载妹回来，睡个午觉，醒来，教补习，吃饭，教补习，独处时光开始。每周五天过这这样的生活。周末就备课。喜欢这种规律的生活。从没发现备课对我来说是那么具有治疗效用的。它让我把心安定下来，那感觉很平静、很舒服。

记得之前教了六个月的幼儿园，之后不爱教学，只爱小孩。小孩子们很单纯，跟他们在一起很舒服。去年的圣诞聚会，我把时间花在陪伴亲戚的小孩们身上。看他们不用很多、很昂贵的礼物就可以开心整个晚上。一个气球就可以玩到不亦乐乎、满身大汗。这一点，在这个月，教补习时也发现。一张贴纸、一颗糖、一个便宜的小玩具就足以让他们整个发亮了。我终于了解我母亲喜爱教学的原因了。我也找到我之前抗拒教学的原因了。

后来，死亡亲临。对着那些丧礼的繁文缛节、一些中华民族的习俗让我看到了些事。婚姻、爱情。那么多年了，他仍然爱她、她也依旧爱他。分离那一幕，很心酸。发现自己不爱太多的繁文缛节、规矩。只喜欢简单。同时也看到自己有多么地幸福。生老病死，人生一圈。每个家庭都会经历，没什么特别。

教补习。了解了孩子们的家庭背景。整个补习班，至少有四分之三的孩子的家庭不完整。一些单亲、一些父母另娶改嫁，孩子由公婆爷奶疼。念书对我而言不是件很困难的事，但对一些人来说是真的很难、很难。现在的孩子们除了科技产品还是科技产品。折纸啊、手作啊等的动作技能都不太行。边看边跟边做也不太好。这些一次又一次地提醒我，我是多么地幸福。很多时候我都忘了他们还是个孩子、学习以及吸收能力都不同。我不能一昧地要他们达到我的要求而忽略了他们的能力。教学，尤其要教好，真的很费心费力。从来没对一个小孩那么生气、那么大声吼过。桑子疼、有股气困在胸口，闷了好一会儿才散开。

一个月就这么来到尾声了。我的新年计划仍然还没拟定。过了今天或许可以静下心、好好独处、想想了。明年就要实习了。真的，很快。看朋友们毕业的毕业、工作的工作、结婚的结婚。似箭的时光让我很讶异。当初期待长大的我，如今不太愿意了。

那天，我在想你十六岁的样子是怎样的？会比我高么？忽然好怀念被你静静拥住的感觉、你调皮的笑脸、你的一切、一切。有时候，我会不自觉地透过一些人格数据分析来幻想一下你。幻想一下你会是怎样的一个人。今天，一月三十一。迈入第七年。你，好吗？让我拨一小段的时间来想念你，好吗？我，爱你。

I'm an introvert ?

Came across this article titled 10 ways Introverts Interact Differently With The World.

1.They withdraw in crowds. checked

Seriously. I never fancy being in the middle of a huge crowd.

2.Small talk stresses them out, while deeper conversations make them feel alive.  checked 
"While most extraverts are energized by such interactions, introverts often feel intimidated, bored or exhausted by them. It's not uncommon in large conversations for introverts to take on the role of the quiet listener and then take time alone once it's complete. As Sophia Dembling, the author of The Introvert's Way: Living A Quiet Life In A Noisy World, explains in her book, it ultimately comes down to how a person receives (or doesn't receive) energy from his or her surroundings. Instead, introverts prefer deeper conversations, oftentimes about philosophical ideas." 

3.They succeed on stage -- just not in the chit-chat afterwards. 
"“At least half of people who speak for a living are introverted in nature,” according to Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, Ph.D, a certified speaking professional, executive coach and author of Quiet Influence: The Introvert’s Guide to Making a Difference. They simply play to their strengths, and prepare extensively. In fact, some of the most successful performers are introverts. Remaining on a stage, removed from a massive audience, proves far easier than the small talk-filled conversations that follow."

Still yet to be discovered. But I hate talking in a huge crowd though.

4.They get distracted easily, but rarely feel bored. checked

"If you're looking to destroy an introverted person's attention span, just put them in a situation where they feel overstimulated. Due to increased sensitivity to their surroundings, introverts struggle with feeling distracted and sometimes overwhelmed in large crowds and open office spaces.

However, when they are in peace and quiet, they have no issue tending to a favorite hobby or delving into a new book for hours. Having that time to take care of their inner selves helps them recharge while enjoying an activity they already enjoy."

5.They are naturally drawn to more creative, detail-oriented and solitary careers.
"Introverts naturally prefer spending time alone or in a small group, delving deeply into one task at a time and taking their time when it comes to making decisions and solving problems. Therefore, they fare better in work environments that allow them to do all of these things. Certain professions -- including writers, in-the-field natural scientists and behind-the-scenes tech workers -- can give introverts the intellectual stimulation they crave without the distracting environment they dislike." 

Anyway, I don't consider myself as creative. But I really love being in a small group. :D

6.When surrounded by people, they locate themselves close to an exit.

"Introverts not only feel physically uncomfortable in crowded places, but also do their best to mediate that discomfort by hanging as close to the periphery as possible. Whether it be by an exit, at the back of a concert hall, or an aisle row on an airplane (I prefer window!), they avoid being surrounded by people on all sides, according to Dembling.

"We're likely to sit in places where we can get away when we're ready to -- easily," Dembling previously told HuffPost."

Didn't notice much about this previously. May be not the exit, but definitely the side.

7.They think before they speak.  checked
"This habit of introverts is often what earns them their reputations as listeners. It is second nature to them to take their time before opening their mouths, reflecting internally, instead of thinking out loud (which is more common among extraverts). They may seem more quiet and shy because of this behavior, but it just means that when they do speak, the words they share have that much more thought -- and sometimes power -- behind them."

Simply because if I don't think before I speak, people don't get me.

8.They don't take on the mood of their environment like extraverts do.
"A 2013 study published in the journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience found that extraverts and introverts process experiences through the brain's "reward" centers quite differently. While extraverts often sense a feel-good rush of dopamine related to their surroundings, introverts tend to not experience such a shift. In fact, people who are naturally introverted do not process rewards from external factors as strongly as extraverts do."

Didn't notice much about this previously as well. 

9.They physically can't stand talking on the phone. checked
"Most introverts screen their phone calls -- even from their friends -- for several reasons. The intrusive ringing forces them to abandon focus on a current project or thought and reassign it to something unexpected. Plus, most phone conversations require a certain level of small talk that introverts avoid. Instead, introverts may let calls go to voicemail so they can return them when they have the proper energy and attention to dedicate to the conversation. (It may go to voicemail and I may not be bothered to listen and high chances I won't be returning call but I'll text.)"

Never like talking on the phone and I just couldn't understand how people do that. I used to avoid phone calls so much. Ironically, I used to long for the house phone to ring when I was young. Just curious about who's calling. lol.

10.They literally shut down when it's time to be alone.

""Solitude matters, and for some people, it is the air that they breathe." - Susan Cain

Every introvert has a limit when it comes to stimulation. HuffPost blogger Kate Bartolotta explains it well when she writes, "Think of each of us as having a cup of energy available. For introverts, most social interactions take a little out of that cup instead of filling it the way it does for extroverts. Most of us like it. We're happy to give, and love to see you. When the cup is empty though, we need some time to refuel.""

Seriously. I need PLENTY OF personal space. Weird enough to say that when time is spent out of the house, time is wasted. After a meet up with friends and family, I need days to be alone. Not to say that I don't enjoy being with them, quote something from the article: I need some time to refuel. 

HOW TO FIND BF LIKE THAT?! WHO CAN TAHAN?! LOL.